End of week 16

A friend emailed this week and asked: "So tell, tell, tell. What's impending motherhood like?"

I found it very difficult to answer perhaps in part because I am so focused on what my body is doing now and on what the first few months of childcare are going to be like that it's hard for me to imagine the broader "motherhood".

Mostly, though, it still doesn't seem quite real, even after hearing the heartbeat twice at the doctor's office, even after the ultrasound (though I must say that during the ultrasound I was pretty nervous due to what I considered the odd behavior of the tech and doctor -- sorry guys, but I hope we get at least a woman tech next time, one who is like the nurse at the doctor's office and shows some enthusiasm for what she is doing). The pregnancy should also feel more real these days because all of a sudden I've got a belly (well, my stomach was not flat before, but as my uterus moves up towards my belly button, my tummy has started to stick out more so I look pregnant). I've been making a pile of all the clothes I can't wear anymore and I even bought maternity clothes -- shirts and pants -- and have worn some of them. Unfortunately, the nice jeans I got at Old Navy are a bit big -- maybe I should try suspenders until I grow into them...).

So perhaps in trying to answer this friend's question, I got too focused on "motherhood" instead of the whole idea of "impending motherhood", that period before motherhood, when you are careful about what you eat, when you start popping out of your clothes, when foods you once loved suddenly become unappealing (chocolate! I usually love chocolate and these days I have absolutely no desire to eat it -- I ate chocolate everyday before I got pregnant), when your body is going through all sorts of weird changes (where do all my organs go as the baby gets bigger??? why do I already need new bras when I won't be breastfeeding for another 5 or so months? my belly button is probably going to become an outy in the weeks to come?!?).

Impending motherhood has also been about balancing the obsession with impending baby and everyday life -- i.e. work. I was lucky to have several weeks off for the holidays, but now it's back to the grindstone and the grind is going to be tough this semester -- classes started last Monday and I am already sleep deprived and have a cold (ah, college! that wonderful cesspool of continuously recycled germs). When I really should be looking over the reading I have assigned for Monday, I would rather be looking for baby bumpers and crib skirts. (I've found plenty of nice ones for boys, but I usually don't like the gender neutral ones or those for girls -- I really hate all the bubblegum pink stuff. Finally found some nice designs at Pottery Barn Kids, but they are pretty expensive, so I am hoping they might be available on eBay...). Although I am really interested in the classes I am teaching this semester, I think I would rather be decorating the nursery (is that the nesting instinct already?).

Perhaps the obsession with baby crib skirts and baby cribs (we've already been to a couple stores several times to look at cribs and other gear) has to do with the fact that for now, other than the Doppler at the doctor's and the ultrasound at the hospital, we have little indication of what the life growing inside me is doing. Yesterday we were at Target looking for baby stuff and Brian wondered if baby departments would have the same draw for us once the Pumpkin becomes Thumper and starts making his presence known through flips and kicks and taps and punches, instead of the stuff we need to buy for him. I am growing impatient to feel those movements that have been going on for weeks already. I lie on my side and try to figure out what I feel. Often I just hear my heartbeat. Sometimes I think I feel a gentle swishing in my abdomen, like a fish swimming around in a bowl, but I'm not sure. Once I thought I felt something like popcorn popping.

Come on! Give me a good kick!

-maman