If I Only Had a ...

Sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain" from the Wizard of Oz:

With the missus mid-term testing
I could show my knack for nesting
with the vacuum, brush, and broom;
and every act of cleaning
would be invested with extra meaning
if I only had a womb!

I'd be tender, I'd be gentle
and awful sentimental
as I paint the pumpkin's room.
I'd be careful, I'd be cautious
and every morning I'd be nauseous
if I only had a womb.

Oh I ... could tell you why ...
a pickle goes so well with custard cream and pie,
how it smells the moment milk goes bad,
or why I'm crying all the time when I'm not sad.

But as it is I feel pathetic
and more than slightly apologetic
'bout the roles of bride and groom;
my contribution's just genetic,
my labor only sympathetic,
cause I just don't have a womb.

- papa